Mum's death and missing normality (and her of course)

My Mum died on Saturday 16 December.  It was sudden and I was called by her nursing home whilst on a Christmas shopping trip with a friend in Tavistock.  The shopping was abandoned and tea, phonecalls, hugs and chatting filled most of the evening.

The next day I drove home, unpacked and re-packed, and drove to Basingstoke to support my Dad and brother.  Therein began days of finding our way through an unknown path - her death was referred to the coroner so that, the undertakers, church pastors, registrars office and the solicitor (for will) took up much of the calls/visits and soon the to-do list was long with order of services to plan, flowers to order, catering to think about and a myriad of questions you never thought you needed to answer.  In between I tried to keep work going, mainly because there were hours of inactivity and I needed a distraction, although work certainly didn't get the most dynamic Ruth that week.

Dad and I visited her nursing home to collect her belongings and were really touched at how beautifully they had arranged her room.  They were all really upset about her death as she was a much loved part of their lives.

On Saturday 23 December it would have been Mum's 82nd birthday.  We had already planned a family gathering at Dad's and it was fitting that we still met.  Caitlin rustled up a wonderful curry and others chipped in tasty contributions.  It was good to share time together.

The girls and I drove back to Exeter that evening.  I had a few hours to myself then and the next day.  I hadn't wrapped a thing, and didn't complete the girls' stockings, but it was enough.  I decamped to Roger's for the next couple of days which was just what I needed.  I naturally was zoned out from organising Christmas and he had bought all the food and did all the cooking.  I flopped and did a variety of jigsaws and tried to unwind.

The girls stayed with me a few days after which was lovely - nothing much just more jigsaws and my favourite game, switch game, Overcooked.  Again, more tonic for a tired soul.

On Friday I flew to Luxembourg.  I'd dithered about cancelling this, as, if Dad had needed me, I would have been there for him.  But he was fine, as was the coroner and undertaker, so nobody needed me in the UK for a week.  It was great to see JC again as he'd been abroad at his parents since before Mum had died.  He dutifully provided hugs and tea in bed and I spent a lot of time trying to lounge around.  However, brain being what it is, I still was planning.  I helped write the eulogy, sorted the order of service, wrote notes for the thanksgiving and generally tried to keep the ball rolling on the funeral front.

We had some social activities and saw New Year in with JC's family.  We also visited Villa Vauban for a tour of their fine art.  It was interesting to hear some of the background of the paintings although the acoustics were poor so, even though it was in English, I missed some of the juicy details.

Jc enjoyed their beanbag corner!

Luxembourg is always beautiful at night.

On another day we went to the Lëtzebuerg City Museum (in Luxembourg City) to view their 'best of posters' exhibition.  A lot of European Union posters - no doubt influenced by the involvement Luxembourg had in that.

The posters were really interesting including the German occupation period.  I'm not sure about the bevy of 1960s/70s art.  It was obviously seen as OK in those days, but pretty non-PC now!

Storm Henk blew through Luxembourg and we went onto flood alert.  The local area flooded as did the Alzette running through Luxembourg city.

JC's parents have been flooded a few times and now have hefty, but hopefully very effective, flood barriers for their house.  They have a relative who helps them shift them into position and we barricaded ourselves in for the night.  Fortunately the river didn't rise sufficiently to overtop, although, as you can see, you can often get a double dip if more rain falls so even when we left the barriers were still up.   

We drove back on Thursday.  Belgium was wet and windy, France dry, and the Channel Tunnel terminal at Calais was the emptiest we'd ever seen!  We caught an earlier train and got back to wet and windy Basingstoke in good time.  JC then headed back and I went back into funeral mode.

Dad and I saw Mum yesterday to say our final farewells.  It was very emotional and sad, but, for us, part of the closure process.  More undertaker conversations, then a hospital appointment for Dad, and he and Keith finally registered Mum's death yesterday (the post mortem had delayed this).  Now it's onto detail of the catering and more organising in the last week trying to think of all the things which need doing.  In a 4 week period I will have been at home for 4 nights and had one of those alone - although I totally am in the right place, being with others to help, I'm certainly missing Ruth-space and feel like I need a break after this.  

Although Mum had been in a home for 3 years I still haven't got used to her not being here ever.  I catch myself thinking "when I'm at Dad's we can pop down and see her." Those days are gone and my/our new normal is that she is no longer part of our physical lives, but we have a host of wonderful memories which will last forever.  

Basingstoke, London and the Lovelies

I went up to Basingstoke last weekend to stay with Dad, as JC was meant to be off to Luxembourg to visit his parents and sister who had flown in from NZ.  Not only did JC pick up an awful cold, which meant he was in no mood to travel, but his sister and children had brought Covid to his parent's in Luxembourg. So the Luxembourg end was in various states of coughing/bed-bound people and certainly not open for visitors.  

JC notwithstanding, I took the train up to Basingstoke Thursday evening.  I worked from there Friday morning and was grateful I would take Dad to a hospital appointment that afternoon and meet an old friend for coffee later that day.  

On Saturday I went up to London and met Caitlin for lunch in Okan.  Aside from the fact that we had to squidge into the seating, and wait to be served (Caitlin nailed the calm-Ruth-down thing) the food was amazingly wonderful and I'd highly recommend.  We then pottered off to meet Keith, Jude and Robin for coffee in Grind.

It was only once in Grind that we realised it was part of Brewdog.  Which was majorly exciting as this Brewdog pub had a slide in it.  What's not to love?


Once we had slid ourselves out, Caitlin and I pottered off to the Imperial War Museum. Allegedly to see 'stuff' but actually because it was a convent spot to stop, have a cuppa and do puzzles.  

We then ambled down towards Stockwell and met Riona and Mark for coffee.  They had just returned from Bruges and it was wonderful to see them both.  

On Sunday Robin and I cooked, then the boys and I played games. Lovely stuff.  Not so lovely was the train home.  When it arrived at Basingstoke I literally had to push my way on.  There were over 15 people standing in the bit between the doors and the toilet.  I couldn't put my bag down and it was similar to those buses you get at airports to take you to/from the plane.  We went via Westbury as there were track works.  But, by then, I'd also ascertained that Paddington station was closed and passengers for Bristol and the like were all on this train.  100s of people left the train at Wesbury and suddenly the carriage was half empty.  Really weird, and I was grateful after a couple of hours on my feet to have a seat.  At least I got home OK and only 16 minutes late - there goes another Delay Repay claim.

The Barrels of Tar, Ottery style

Every year on 05 November, or 04 November if the 5th is on a Sunday, Ottery St Mary ignites, literally, an old tradition known as Tar Barrels.  It's been going for hundreds of years.  The exact origins are unknown, but probably started after the gunpowder plot of 1605.  Various alternative suggestions for burning barrels have included fumigation of cottages and as a warning of the approach of the Spanish Armada.  

The event involves barrels, lined with tar, lit and hoisted onto a local's shoulders, then the bearer runs up and down a road or two.  The barrels start at 16:00 with the children's barrels, far smaller than the adult version, but still with similar risks.  Each child/adult is hoodie'd up (is that a word?), and their hands covered in fire proof mittens.  As the evening progresses the size of the barrels increases as more senior children run their barrels, then then men's and women's barrels start and carry on for the rest of the night.

Ahead of this somewhat mad event, there is a year's worth of prep.  Money needs raising, all the health and safety concerns need to be addressed/mitigated (on the night the local library is the command centre and they fly drones to keep an eye on the action/crowds), and roads closed.  In the central square of Ottery, local businesses board up their properties to ensure that no barrel or crowd falls into their shop.  Boots reminded us they were still open despite the boarding.

The first event of Tar Barrels is the firing of the rock cannons around 0530 (I never hear them but other locals do).  And then the cannons are fired throughout the day before the first barrel is run.   My friend Emma is an authorised cannon firer and we ended up watching the 13:00 firing with her.  They look like guns but, on closer inspection, are mini cannons, detonated by hitting the ignition point.

As the day progressed, Ottery turned into a Covid-like lock in, with no vehicle entry/exit and we were all in it together.

Fortunately, because we live on one of the barrel runs, we could pop in and out as we pleased.  I find the crowds quite overwhelming after a while and need to retreat for some peace.  We did, however, realise that they were running a barrel up and down our road so got some ring-side views!

Londonium and Sculptures

Saturday 21/Sunday 22 November 2023

Last weekend I popped up to London to see Caitlin.

The trains behaved on the way up and Caitlin had cooked me a super yummy Ruth-friendly lunch. Post lunch we wandered towards the South Bank but, sadly I'd packed a sky full of rain, which started to empty on us (and the rest of London to be fair).  We sheltered in the Southbank Centre before walking to Covent Garden before the next downpour.  There we visited my favourite shop, Stanfords.  

The streets were very busy, not helped by the fact that the pedestrians were congregating under shop fronts/tube stations to hide from the ran.  Leicester Square tube station was temporarily closed to due to overcrowding so we walked north to Tottenham Court Road which was open.  I was pleased to leave the swarm of people. 

We had a quiet evening doing a 1000 piece Monopoly jigsaw which was a lot of fun but resulted in a very late night as we were determined to complete it! 

On Sunday the rain had passed, so we headed to Regents Park to view the outdoor sculptures, Frieze, which were on show until today (just caught it!).

Lots of interesting art to see, and even better to share it with the lovely Caitlin.

Thank you for entertaining your Mother Caitlin ;-)